If you are reading this, you may want to consider skipping this entry. I am just writing to get out of my head the craziness that I have been going through. This will be more of a poor me entry talking about all that ails me. Honestly, normally I try not to dwell on me or my problems knowing they will take care of themselves, but lately I have just been so stressed, that I need to get it out. So consider yourself warned...
The past few weeks have been the most difficult and challenging weeks of my life. On August 8, my mom went into the hospital after suffering a major heart attack. We thought she was going to pull through after the first night, but then on Sunday morning she had another heart attack and underwent a double bi-pass surgery. After that she did not regain consciousness. She was on a ventilator and at least a dozen tubes. Then they told us that she had an extremely serious infection similar to MRsA, but it was called MSSA. It originated in her spine and had spread to her bones. Apparently she had it before she went to the hospital and probably for several months. We were to the point where the doctors told my brother and me that we would have to make some very serious and important decisions. We were faced with the possibility of dialysis. We were also faced with whether or not to remove her feeding tube and take her off of the ventilator. Basically we were told that if she recovered, the road would be long and painful. I prayed that if God was going to take her, to please take her before all of the long drawn out suffering. I knew my mom would not want to be on machines. And I knew taking her off of the machines would stop her body from living. I was not prepared to make that decision. God heard my prayers and spared us form making the decisions. Mom's suffering ended on August 18. I pray she is with God now.
I have been hoping that Mom would come to me in a dream and let me know that she is fine. I always thought that she would come back to me in that way when she died. My gramma did that as did my step dad. My father in law did the same thing. As a matter of fact, about 2 weeks ago my father-in-law came to me in another dream. We were in a room painted tan, like coffee with cream. There was nothing in the room except for a table sitting to the left of Howie. It was just Howie and me in the room and he was talking to me and asking me how I was doing. I asked him if he had seen my mom and he said he had not seen her yet. When I woke up I was glad to have seen Howie, but was sad that I had not heard from my mom. I keep hoping.
So during all of this sadness I also started a new job at Frito Lay. I had been laid off for almost 5 months. I started the Monday after mom went into the hospital. The first week was mostly spent worrying and going to the hospital, then home, then to work, then to the hospital...and so forth. After she passed on, Frito Lay was kind enough to give me the week off with pay. I finally feel almost like myself at work now. It is a good job and I like the people I work with.
The week after the funeral I started the 10th class out of 13 that I need for my masters in management degree. I have had a very rough time doing the work. I will finish the class in two weeks. It is so much reading and I have not been in my own head for so many weeks now that it is a challenge to keep up with what I have to do with the class. Fortunately it is on line, so I can work on it whenever, but I have been struggling with it. After this one I will not be taking a class until January. So at least I will get a break.
My life has been so unbelievably and insanely crazy with busy-ness. I know that the reason I keep so busy is so that I don't think. As soon as I let myself relax, I get sad and want to just cry. I miss my mom so much. Especially on the weekends. That is when I would call her for absolutely no reason. We would vent to each other the frustrations of the week. I think of her house that sits so empty. I know it is just a building, but it was her house and it's so sad that it is just sitting there waiting for the bank to do something with it. I think of her cat, which did not want to go to her new home and ran away. Poor Cat (that was her name...my mom was not one for foo-foo names like Fluffy). And between band practices, football games, marching invitationals, bowling, school, work, church, I do absolutely nothing else. Our house is in shambles and I have no ambition to do anything about it when I am at home. I am waiting for October to be done. Hopefully the busyness will lessen and I can get back to normal - whatever normal is.
No comments:
Post a Comment