Stop the Violence

First, I must apologize to all of my dear friends and family whom I have never told. I know you will understand.

This is the story that must be told. It should have been told many years ago, but like so many others before me, I chose to keep it inside. So I am telling it now. Hopefully someone will see themselves in my story and choose differently.

After it happened, I did not tell anyone. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I was confused. After all, the person who did this to me was not a stranger. He was a friend. He was a friend who had asked me out on a date and I had accepted. One date that changed how I would relate to boyfriends and eventually, my husband and even my daughter.

Like so many women who have been a victim of sexual abuse and violence, I chose to keep it to myself. After all, who would believe me? I chose to go on the date. I did not protest when he drove to a secluded area and turned off the car. But I did say No. I did tell him to stop. I did tell him to take me home. He had said I wanted it. He ignored my tears and chose not to hear my pleas. He forced himself on me. He raped me. And to this day I wonder if he even knows that what he did was so very wrong.

I have been a victim for 28 years. From this point forward I am a survivor.

About a year ago God began to nudge me. A frank conversation with my daughter brought the truth out. The topic was the flippant use of the word rape among her friends. It was then that I admitted to her that I was a victim of rape as a teenager. Shortly after that another nudge. A student at Aquinas was working on a project that would bring awareness to the social injustices against women. She was looking for women who would share their stories. After praying about it and talking with my husband, I decided talk with her. The product of her work was The Jane Doe Project. She scripted together the stories of 10 or 12 women. The purpose was to bring awareness to the social injustices that result in women victims. I invited some people into my story and I was overwhelmed by the support shown. There were 20 people there to support me and the other women who shared their survival stories of abuse and neglect.

I thought that was the end of it. I believed that I had done what God wanted me to do by telling my story to some friends and strangers through the Jane Doe Project.

But God was not finished with me yet. Two years later I was in another class. A group project placed me with two other ladies. One of these ladies was obviously apprehensive about the group project – more so about being in a group to begin with. After she became comfortable with us, she shared with us how she was trying to get a non-profit project off the ground called “Not This Girl” (www.notthisgirl.com). She had been a victim of a very violent rape and was going through the legal process and standing up for all of the women who were not strong enough to stand up for themselves. I shared my story with her. And, as it always is God’s mysterious way, the other lady had been a victim of domestic violence. Her ex-husband had been very abusive and she had taken him to court to prosecute him. I felt that my story paled in comparison as far as seriousness. And yet, both of these ladies had the strength to seek justice, where I chose to bury the truth. We had been brought together randomly, but very intentionally.

One year has passed since this group project – for which we received an A by the way. Not This Girl has grown from a very hurt person seeking justice to a growing non-profit organization that offers a safe place on line to seek help and resources. I am still not sure what God has in mind for me, but I am pretty certain of one thing. He wants me to tell my story.

I was sixteen years old when I became a victim of date rape. I should have done something. I should have told someone. Had I done something then perhaps I could have prevented him from raping the next girl. Which he did. And she did not do anything either, likely for many of the same reasons. That is why I am telling you now. Do not let another person become a victim. Stop the violence now.