my story

my first memory as a child is from when i was about 4 years old. i remember watching gilligan's island - the episode when thurston howell the third was sinking in quicksand. i started crying. not because of my concern for mr. howell, but because for some reason i had realized that my grampa had died and that he was not coming back. i don't recall whether or not he had just passed away, or if it had been a while since it had happened. i just remember it was that moment when it hit me that i would never see him again. he had sunk into the quicksand just like mr. howell. my second childhood memory is when i was about seven years old. my dad was bringing my brother and me home after his weekend visitation that he sometimes showed up for and sometimes didn't. we had stopped at a&w for a rootbeer. my brother and my step-brother and two step-sisters (all younger) had to have the baby sized rootbeer and i got the big kid sized rootbeer. the first time ever. and the last time ever. my dad stopped coming to get us after that weekend. i still don't really understand what had happened. my dad has one explaination and my mom has a slightly different version. in either case, it ultimately was his decision and choice to cut all ties with my brother and me. he basically was nonexistent in my life until i was a junior or senior in high school. on my brother's 15th birthday, i think, first thing in the morning the phone rang which woke me up. i heard my mom talking on the phone for a bit and then she called me into her room and told me that had been my dad on the phone and that he wants to see us. she told me that she thought we should see him at least for my brother's sake. i said that was fine. but i was not really happy about it. he was in and out for a few years after that. he came to the miss three rivers pageant when i was a contestant (that's me the beauty queen wannabe). he took some really nice pictures, i remember. he had always been a good photographer. he came to my high school graduation. we went camping once or twice. it was ok. but i was still very bitter. when i graduated from college, i sent announcements to some people, but i really did not expect anyone to show up for the ceremony. and actually, i was in a wedding that day so i wasn't there either. but i found out later that my dad had gone to the graduation ceremony. actually, my friend's dad was there too with his wife. oops. sorry. when joel and i were married, i did not invite my dad to the wedding, only the reception. actually, there were only about 50 people at the most at the wedding. but he did come to the reception for a little bit. it was very awkward for me. when joel and i had alison, my dad and his wife bonnie came to see their granddaughter. since then he has been around when we invite him to take part in some of alison's school events. i am no longer bitter. i am glad that alison can have memories of spending time with her grampa.